Finality

It's taken me a while to finish this post. I think, now, I know why.

Have you ever felt like your life is stuck in second gear? Like it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year?

I sit here this morning [the morning I started writing this] on one of the Knoxville Trolleys with 14 homeless men on the way to my last final ad a first-semester doctoral student. Tonight, I will be "home" in Cape Girardeau for one month of holiday cheer with my family. Another year is passing. A new year is approaching. Again, I'm reminded of how much things have changed over the course of 2008.

A year ago, I deemed 2007 as "The Year it All Worked Out." I graduated with my Bachelors (finally). I had a very significant relationship with someone with whom I wanted one for a very long time. I moved into a Fraternity house-two! I was president of my fraternity. I fell in love (plutonic, of course) with my best friends. I fell in love (otherwise) a couple of times. I started going on cruises. I learned to love air-travel as well. I fell in love with my family. I lost 100 lbs., finishing off a total weight loss of 160 lbs. over four years. I started running. I started working out. I ended the year with a very big decision that took me straight into adulthood.

The next morning, I awoke to 2008. I realized that decision I made the night before was, in fact, the worst decision I had ever made. This began what would be "The Year it All Crashed and Burned." I moved back to Cape Girardeau for nine months. I struggled with loneliness. I stopped losing weight. I got angry. I received a pretty detrimental diagnosis. I learned my "most significant relationship" was nothing more than a cover-up so I could be cheated on multiple, multiple times. I learned that the person I made my ex- out to be never really existed. I moved 400 miles away from my home and 700 miles away from my heart. I moved to a place I knew no one. I was scared. I lost contact with some very good friends. I met disappointment after disappointment after disappointment.

Now I don't want to be Debby Downer and think 2008 was 'all bad' anymore than 2007 was 'all good.' But it was difficult, to say the least, to see the good through the bad.

This post has been a long time coming I think because of uncertainty. 2007 was one of the best years of my life. 2008 was one of the worst. I just don't know what 2009 brings. The uncertainty scares me.

Perhaps I'll finish this later. Or perhaps there is no ending. Perhaps there is no 'later.' Only time will tell, eh?