Stuff Southern People Like.Com #1

Welcome to Psychologist On the Verge. I dedicate my first post to the town to which I have just moved in August of 2008. It's been a whirlwind of a month, but it's beginning to feel like home.

A few years ago, a website was launched detailing the quite absurd things that white people, in general, do to make the rest of the world crazy. The result was published into a book, enlisted a following, and ultimately all but created a national (or at least ethnic) pasttime. The premise? White people are crazy. Perhaps I should have prefaced this with the fact that I am indeed caucasian. I also agree wholeheartedly with our race's insanity - stereotypes and all. What is this standard of racial funnies, you ask? StuffWhitePeopleLike.Com

In the same vein, I want to introduce my blog with one of my favorite new topics: The weird things people do her in my new home - the South.

Not being from "dixie" originally, I've found it quite a culture shock in my first month here. Some of the things people do (say, wear, eat... need I go on?) are expected - I was not immune to the stories of "the southland" back home farther north. Other actions, however, are unanticipated, obtuse, or even quite insane (and yes, as a psychotherapist, I am licensed to use that word at will).

For this reason, and for your enjoyment, I give you StuffSouthernPeopleLike.Com's #1 entry:

1. Croakies.

Never heard of them before? No surprise here. I for one, believe there's a reason for that. This elastic piece of 1980's fashion (just like the rubber compound it's made of, you pull it away from a generation and it just SNAPS back) is attached to the ends of sunglasses and worn around the back of the neck.

Now, I don't need to ask you if they're attractive. We know the answer is a resounding 'no.' I don't even need to ask you where these come from. Slogans from fundraisers, South Carolina's tree-and-moon logo, letters of Greek affiliation, and Hick-loved outdoor shops (read: Bass Pro) logos alike adorn the sides of these contraptions, shouting out a commercial to "buy my brand of Croakie!!!" right adjacent to some dude (or lady's) backhair (hey - it's not called the dirty south for nothing).

No, the answers to all these questions seem obvious to me. What I don't understand is the point of these "croakies". If you're having trouble with your glasses slipping of your face, then get them adjusted. These don't keep them snug, they just allow them to drop between your boobs (which can be, I imagine, quite awkward). If your reasoning for their utility is that it gives you somewhere to put your glasses when they're not being used, I don't believe it. One, that's why we have cases for our sunglasses. Two, you have a head. Sunglasses were basically designed to be worn on your crown when not being utilized. Thirdly and finally... as an observation, people don't do it. I've NEVER seen anyone with their glasses hanging around their neck. They either have their glasses on their face (with said croakies attached) or they're put away neatly in their bags - croakies or not. Something about this tells me wearers know for a fact they look stupid.

I should also not that, although in my time as a Fraternity Man (just last year) we, too, had our cult followings (i.e. Campus Bar and Grill, North Face jackets), we had much better taste than... sunglass rubber-bands (reduced in nomenclature for what they really are). Fraternity boys of the south, however, clearly missed that inter-house memorandum.

The croakies' official website [sic] labels its flagship product as "The Original Neoprene Eyewear Retainer." I would love to be so lucky to wear a retainer around my neck. Where did this name even come from? Croakies? One can only hope it is representative of the frog who was wearing them and, when kissed by a unsuspecting princess, was still alone because he was caught wearing eyewear retainers. That's my story, anyway.

So this is my shout out -- nay, by repulsive rant -- about something that looks so ridiculous and has no utilitarian value whatsoever. People of the south - unite against this monstrosity and fight for all that is good an holy. They can strap neoprene bands around our necks, they can advertise around our ears as much as they want; but THEY CANNOT TAKE OUR FREEEEEEDOM!

Which makes me wonder if croakies come in tartan plaid. And if so, would William Wallace have worn them?

That's to be explored in our next session. That will be a $195 co-pay for our fifty minute session and your insurance will be billed for the remainder. Please see Alecia, the receptionist, on your way out in order to schedule your next appointment. Until then...

-The Budding Psychotherapist